Tuesday, April 26, 2005


you know those times when you think you've done everything you possibly could, and there is nothing left inside of you - you used it the first and the second and the fourty-ninth and by the two thousand-fouteenth-time it was empty?

and you needed more after that. you didn't whine, but like a pioneer, you reached in and used up all the reserves that you have been saving up so carefully because the "rainy day" had come.

and then time came and you needed even more. you went back in there and looked for more. even though it was empty, somehow you scraped the corners and scrambled a little more.

and then came times when you needed more and more and more and you kept wondering - where am i supposed to get it? where is it going to come from? what am i supposed to learn from this? am i doing something wrong? or missing some signs along the way? and you think back and calculate everything and think "no, i think i am doing what i am supposed to".

and you remember that time when you heard someone speak something very inspirational and you said to yourself "when my turn comes, i will know what to do and not to do". and all that has dissapeared. there is no courage left and no patience hiding and no matter how hard it might seem, giving up looks like the easiest way out. and the "jesus carried me through it all" does not seem very relevant right now - you don't see it and don't feel it and it certainly doesn't seem to be happening. and you still need to find it because we are not 5 anymore and the feet stomping and throwing of fits won't solve the problem.

and so you sit like an adult, really, you are falling apart, but you collect your thoughts and say to yourself "i will suck it up and trust and see what happens one more time. at least i will try". you don't really feel like it, you feel like screaming and crying and giving up.

you hope that God will honor the fact that at least you are honest in your feelings. the only thing i can offer right now is my pansy "scaredness". the comforting thing is that he will take that. i wait to see what is it that i am supposed to learn.

where did that peace go?

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