Friday, October 19, 2007

My little bride-sister

I remember when a nurse called from the hospital and asked if I was expecting a brother or a sister. I remember while my mom had her in the belly, half the term I was praying for a little brother. Then something made me change my mind and I started praying for a little sister. I told her I wanted a little sister. She said "You've got a little sister". I was ten at the time and very excited.

I can't say that I remember with great pleasure the years when she was growing up. I had to babysit her while my friends were doing what they wanted to do. I had to change her nappies and walk back and forth with her screaming in the stroller, for hours, because she couldn't sleep. It is one of my biggest regrets – not loving her as much as I could have. I wish that those years we actually spent in the same house I would have given her more and loved her more and saw her as a little smiley girl that she was, instead of a little pest because of who I can't run around with my friends.

I left for college when I was 17. I didn't even say good bye to her because she was in the country side with our grandparents. Mom called me and told me that when she found out that I have left for college she cried big tears that she hasn't said good bye to me. I think it was the first time when I saw her in a different light. A little person who actually loves me and not just sees me as her babysitter.

Then I left for the States and every year and a half came back for a few weeks. That time was usually crammed with seeing friends and relatives. I remember her standing by the door that was shut and knocking. She must have been about 9 or so. I really didn't want her in there because I was too busy doing my own thing with my friends. If I could only change that to let her know how important she is and how much I love her.

Then our parents got divorced. She never really spoke about it. I don't know how that changed her 12 year-old life. Probably in ways that I will never know. I do know that she was lonely over those years but she never spoke anything bad about anyone. I tried to get her to let it out but she never did it.

As a 17 year old she came to my wedding. She was such a little sweetie. Grown up but still my little sister. Flirting with the lifeguards at the resort and having a great time while making friends with everyone.

She started crying when we were talking about how I left home when I was 17 during the girls time in the morning. I never knew that she cared about it so much.

Today is her wedding and I am in Australia. I won't see her in her wedding dress and beautiful hairstyle. I won't hear her and her groom say "I do's". I've been telling myself that there is nothing I can do about it because the wedding was decided on, in a very Latvian fashion, quickly. And without income for the last 4 months it would be really unwise to go back. She seemed ok about it and I hope that she can forgive me. I told her yesterday that I will spoil them when they come visit us here. But really, my heart breaks and I can barely hold back big tears because I am here and she is there on her special day. I think I will let myself cry a little about it. I will try to make those tears not of sadness but of happiness.

Because she has found someone truly amazing to spend the rest of her life with. Because we all love him and think the world of him. Because even though it seems really rush for her to get married at 18, they are doing it because they want to commit and do it right in God’s eyes. Because she is a precious little girl. Because he is a truly solid man of God. Because it is something so big and beautiful.

I am so happy for both of them. I am sending them hugs from this side of the world and lots of love and wished for God’s blessings over everything they ever do in their lives.


melissa said...

Ags, this is so beautiful. I'm sorry you couldn't fly back for the wedding. Sisters are priceless, and I hope that you and your sister continue to grow close and closer despite the half a world the separates you.

“My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way.” Hemingway said...

This was a lovely post. I wasn't able to go to my sister's wedding either. I had left the on a student's budget. There was just no way.

I'm sure she understands.