bags the size of suitcases

I woke up this morning with big bags under my eyes because of the late night yesterday watching a movie, and two hours later waking up in the middle of the night in so much pain.

The usual stuff.

"We don't know what causes it and we don't know how to cure it".

When I wake up like that, I run to get some pills and try to go back to bed hoping that I will be too tired and fall asleep and wake up and it will all be better by then. But that kind of sleep is like being on the airplane to down under in the hour 22 of travel kind of sleep - you are absolutely exhausted and your eyelids droop but the pain is so great that it keeps you awake.

Sometimes I get goosebumps all over my arms because it hurts so much. Sometimes, I can't even move. The only thing I know to do is to try to relax my body completely. I consciously sit and try to relax. It's hard to do it when you're in so much pain and I can't say that it really makes a big difference.

The bags under my eyes tell the story. People at work say "You look tired". And I am tired. After nights like that I look so much older.

After nights like that I look in the mirror, at my bags under the eyes and feel sorry for myself. This has been going on for years. I have been to doctors and specialists but they look at me after my story and in the best case scenario say "we'll try to check this out or that out". It does give me a little ray of hope until "this and that is checked" and all tests have come normal. Back to square one - "we don't know what causes it and how to cure it".

I do get angry at the doctors who don't try to hide the indifference. Sometimes, when I have made an appointment, I dream that I will scream at one of them or start crying in the office. To let them feel the late nights and so so so much pain for such a long time. But I know it's just because their indifference hurts me. I just wish that one person could really feel with me and could do something about how scared and hopeless I feel in those late nights.

Now I have given up on doctors. I don't bother to go anymore. I have a couple of bottles of pills that I have from a while ago, I just take them when it comes on again.

I was also really angry at God for a while. I was so angry that if I could have I would have slammed doors and screamed. I have prayed. I have begged. I have sat and tried to listen. I have read and tried to understand. I've tried to learn and follow and everything in between. I hear only silence. Once in a great while I hear "It's coming". But then I wonder if that's just my imagination that's so desperate.

All that said, I am incredibly blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. Even though there have been some harder parts, I've lived a beautiful life. Sometimes, I had to hit the rock bottom but those were the best times because of the turnaround and the blessings that have followed.

This is a new challenge. I've hit so many rock bottoms of hopelessness and it has not changed. So I am waiting. I am waiting knowing that as hard as the going gets sometimes, something good has to come out in the end. And also, I hold on to the hope that He will restore the years that locusts have eaten.