Saturday, February 26, 2011

Hanging in faith

God’s love is meteoric,
His loyalty astronomic,
His purpose titanic,
His verdicts oceanic.

Yet in his largeness nothing gets lost;
Not a man,
not a mouse, slips through the cracks.

How exquisite your love, O God!

Psalm 36:5-7 (The Message)

Losing my pregnancy seriously shook something up inside. The fact that I had a miscarriage was difficult enough but I think I would have had a much easier time to accept it if not for all the prayers that were sent our way. Somehow, I don't have a hard time accepting that fact that God might not answer my prayers because I know that sometimes I don't live honouring him. In my mind, if I am not 100% dedicated to him, I can't expect him to answer my prayers. But there were people, who I see as holy, praying hard and I still lost this baby.

It has made me question faith. It has made me question God. It has made me question prayer. It has made me question the purpose of everything I do and believe because all of these things are stacked up on top of each other and if one becomes wobbly, they all become shaky.

I don't have an answer to any of it. I've been drifting for weeks which are turning into months. I can't find anything to hold on to as far as faith goes.

There was a time when I would have been the first one to say that I know God because I have experienced him. Now I feel a bit left behind and let down. I still don't doubt anything that I have experienced in my life and at times really felt God's presence but I am confused.

I find that through times like this a person floats and often it is the people around who help through. It is not my prayers that are helping me get through this, it is the people who are close and who know me well enough. I am so thankful for them.

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