June 17

If things would have remained, I would be counting down days now. It would have been 12 days until the day that we would have met our firstborn.

Yesterday good friends took me for a day in the rainforest to have girls time. I had no idea what it was about until I opened the beautiful card and the words inside made me feel so loved and cared for. They remembered, they knew that the day is approaching and they wanted me to know that they care and that it matters. That this baby, even if I will never meet him here, will always be remembered. I felt so loved.

So I had a good cry, we had a cry together and it felt good.

I feel like I have moved past the raw emotions and pain. I have put it behind me. I have forgiven God. I don't have a ranging anger inside anymore. I have laid it to rest. I still think about it from time to time but it's not with great sadness. It's more of an acknowledgement of what happened.

H. Macey once said that the spiritual life cannot be made suburban. I think that sorrow widens the soul in some ways. When we are truly broken with no options left and turn to God, there are beautiful things that take place. I don't know why they are born in sadness but in my life the truly good has come after the very difficult. Maybe it is so I don't grow too prideful, maybe to so I stay soft to those who are hurting around me but there is something sincere and profound that is born in pain. If we get through it and able to survive. The only way to get through it is to cling to God.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new journey will start. I feel like I am standing in front of the Grand Canyon and I need to take the step of faith and trust. It is the hardest thing in the world. My mind has been a battle ground for the last few days. All the while I keep hearing a soft "Trust in me. Faith pleases God".