Thursday, September 22, 2011

Five years down the road

 If we would go by statistics and by "what people say" (or think), we shouldn't be here 5 years down the road.

  • We met on the internet
  • We got engaged four months after physically meeting
  • We spent only two months in the same physical location before we got married

I remember meeting him and after getting to know him better, I was surprised that I've somehow been lucky enough to meet a decent guy. I think I had lost hope at that time, thinking that the decent ones are all sold out. The things that stood out about him was that he always did what he said he would do. Not just in small things like time of our next phone call but also in big things. That and his honesty gave me confidence in him and in the relationship. He wasn't afraid of commitment and he wasn't guarding himself because he was afraid to get hurt, which was so refreshing and unusual.

The first year was a honeymoon - we had just gotten married and finally we could live in the same place at the same time. The second year we'd moved to Australia and didn't have much certainty about jobs or future and also I think the reality of living with another person who has boundaries, likes and dislikes, set in. We went through a period of conscious learning to live together. We accepted that actually the other person is not perfect. And that's ok, we know we want this to work so how do we move on from here?

I've learned enough about him and he about me where we know where each other's boundaries are, what likes and dislikes are. There is trust between us to allow each other to be who we are. I know there are things about me that he puts up with. He is one of the tidiest people I know. I can't say that about myself. He doesn't go on about it. There are things that I wish he did differently but I've stopped nagging about (many) of them. I know he knows and I know he tries but in the end, I've realised that me dripping on and on about the same thing is not going to
change it. We do things together that we both enjoy and I look at it as a gift.

I think mostly we've learned what makes each other feel loved. And we are both generous to give affirmations of love. Sometimes, when he is travelling for work, he brings me back a gossip magazine. I hide a box of chocolates in his bag for an overnight trip. He cooks the dinner. I iron his shirts. He calls me "darling" in public...

In a lot of ways, I've learned to love from him. He forgives and forgets and doesn't bring it up. He doesn't poke my faults in my face every time I make the same mistake for the millionth time. It sounds a little bit cliche but I feel more loved and I love him more now than I did when we first met. Then it was an emotion, now it is an emotion combined with conscious choice and trust and history together. I feel so deeply in love with him today, five years down the road. Writing about this makes me feel like love is more practical than emotional. And I think that in a lot of ways it is. Mostly because after the love goggles are gone the emotional part follows the practical part.

A couple of things that I've learned along the way:

  • No matter how angry you are (and you will get very angry at some point), never step over the respect boundary
  • Say "I love you" for absolutely no reason at all. Say it often.
  • Pick a good time (when you are not emotional and the other person is ready to listen) and let the other person know what the problem is, then let him/her make the choice of how to go about it.

Here is an excerpt from my post after the wedding. I smile when I read it.

"When I was walking down the isle I had no intentions of crying. I had so much peace. All the worries about the weather, people getting there, things being done on time were gone. There was my groom, handsome and smiling. There was my family. There were my friends – it was one of the best days in my life. All I could do was smile from ear to ear and thank God for all the blessings He has poured out on me."

Wedding Day Memories 


melissa said...

This whole post just makes me so happy :) Love you!

FeliOland said...

Beautiful! Absolutely beautiful! Your post, you, your husband, your marriage, your pregnancy, your life... God is so good to us!!

V said...

Happy Anniversary Month! I'm so glad I've gotten to watch your story unfold and happy you and Neil found each other.I'm excited for your next steps in expanding your family as well. This is a beautiful post!

Sarah said...

beautiful post, happy anniversary to you both! hope the next five years are even more amazing!