Tuesday, September 13, 2011

How I got through miscarriage

Statistically speaking, one in four women have had a miscarriage in her lifetime.

That word is just a hush hush word that no one really enjoys talking about. It's awkward and uncomfortable and not because people don't care but more because there are no words to say that can bring comfort, most of the time we just don't know what to say.

After it happened to us, I was at an event in a room full of people where I looked around at all the women there and wondered how many of them have quietly gone through it.

For me that comfort was in my faith in God - something bigger than myself and my pain. And it was also one of the most confusing times in my life because I was angry to the point of grinding teeth. After all it was God who allowed this to happen. There might have been a few strong words said to him in private.

Because I believe in an honest relationship, I believe that he knows our heart better than we do ourselves and I have no problems being honest. I might be wrong but I think he prefers our trueness rather than withdrawal or excuses.

From experience I can say that it is one of the most painful things that a woman can go through. For us girls, as soon as we find out that there are two pink lines, it's a baby. It's not a foetus, it is not an embryo, it's a baby. It's the future, it's a human being, it's alive and it's mine. And it's love, passion and compassion that floods the heart.

And yes, abortion does make me angry. I make no apologies for it.

I still have no answers why miscarriage happens. I still don't have the magic words to say to a woman who, figuratively speaking, is knocked on the ground and grasping for breath to get through those first weeks after she finds out. And it still makes me incredibly angry and hurt to hear when someone is going through it.

I have a little baby inside of me now and in a few months we'll meet him. I love him from the bottom of my heart but there are still times when I think of the baby I lost and quietly cry. There is still a little bit of sadness for the life that I will never get to meet, love, cherish and celebrate. That said, the verse from Psalm 27: 13 that I hung on to has come true "I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living".

It does get easier with time. The good that it brought in my life was closeness with my husband, who was a rock for me through those first few months and allowed me to grieve and cushioned me in the lowest moments. And I feel that as a person this experience allowed me to find some deeper corners of compassion in my heart.

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