the raw impressions

i have not been at home in the summer time in almost 10 years. the tickets are half the price in the winter time... even though there is beauty in the winter, there is nothing like summer at home.

we camped by the sea for a couple of days, woke up and fell asleep to the sound of waves crashing against the shore, smelled the Baltic sea in the air, were warming our toes on the fire, drinking Latvian beer and playing Sequence, we cooked sausages in fire and ate the fish that dad cought earlier in the day, we fought bugs and napped a lot. even though it was so cold that i never took off my sweatpants and sweatshirts, it was so relaxing.

sharing these memories and places with neil were the best part. he's slowly becoming a part of my history and culture. we're slowly becoming one. i know how hard it is for him to sit there for hours and get short summaries of what the conversations are about but having no clue what people are saying, but he selflessly gave me the gift of being able to be with my people. to talk to them and not having to worry about him pouting and being bored. those are the little moments that add up and the beauty of his heart shines through.

the ripples of my parents divorce are still strong. jamaica will be hard. for all of us. there are parts in both of them that are just torn and will never be the same, no matter how difficult their marriage was. seeing that, made neil and i realize the importance of sticking through it all when it comes to it. it is so hard to see people so close to you wonder around in this darkness that they've created around themselves and trying to get out of it. it made me think of having children. if it hurts so much to see your parents hurt, how does it feel to see your children hurt?

one of the most touching things was visiting my grandmas grave on her birthday. my dad introduced her to Neil. i miss her kindness despite all the circumstances in life. she had a very hard life but she always protected me. she always loved me, she always poured everything she had out and never stopped giving. she never grew tired of loving. i miss her.

my aunt, dad's sister, my grandmas daughter, gave us for wedding a linen table cloth that was made by my great-grandmother. she gave us pictures of great-grandma and grandfather and said that she wishes us the harmony and love that was between them. she said they were the most harmoneous and loving people in our clan. she wished us to live our lives like they did. she also gave us Latvian CDs. there were 5 - for all kinds of different things in life. the middle one was latvian lullubies, it was so heartfelt and thoughtfull.

i got a little reality check through this trip. i feel like i was re-set a little bit. i was reminded of who i am and where i come from. i felt so much love and interest and acceptance from Neil. i felt so much love. i realized that no matter where i go or live in life, no matter how good things will be materially, i will always have roots in latvia. no matter how long i will have lived anywhere else, it will always be home, i can't put in words the feeling that i get there. it's where i am from.