Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Chronic victory wanted

I finally did it - cried at the doctors office. He might have felt bad for me but I felt like a statistic when he said "If it makes you feel better, I had the same conversation with another woman this morning. There are lots of women who suffer from this".

I also cried on a busy walking street while going home. And I cried at home. I am scraping the bottom of the barrel emotionally.

Today a new symptom came on that I've never had before. I freaked out.

It feels like I am pulling this massive ball behind me on a chain. I am mentally exhausted. It's a constant roller coaster between looking for a solution, having a hope that this might work and then a massive crash when another episode comes on.

It's not like there are no other solutions available but I am trying to live according to my faith. I went to a naturopath the other day and he said that he thinks he might be able to help. Then I found out he practices based on Chinese medicine, which is based on the Ying and Yang. I bought the powders he prescribed but didn't take them. I won't do things that are not in line with my faith, even if I am desperate.

Maybe I am desperate and stupid.

God is supposed to be close to the broken-hearted. He's been close to me in the low moments before but I have not felt him in this. I feel so alone in this. I feel like God has chosen silence and humans don't know anything about it. And I am in so much pain. Where is God in this?

There is grief deep inside about this thing. My helplessness. Doctor's helplessness. God's silence. Prayers that are not answered. Not seeing the end to this. Constantly seeking the answers on so many levels and never coming up with anything. My faith right now is not because I feel like there is anything to have faith for. I have not lost my faith because I don't know how to live without believing in God.

I was watching a lady in a wheelchair on the bus today as the bus driver was helping her wheelchair down the ramp. I wondered - does she feel as frustrated about her condition as I do? She is bound in that thing, I can walk. I can take medicines that might be bad for me but they will work and the pain will go away eventually. How does she feel? Does her spirit feel crushed also?

I know those who are reading this are wondering what it is but I am choosing not to say it, even thought I probably did some long time ago. It is personal and I don't want anyone to feel like they are reading about something they don't want to read about.


melissa said...

Honey, I love you, and I will be praying for you. Even when God is silent, He's still there with you. Sending you hugs and love from around the globe.

Michael said...

Oh girl, I don't think I realized how bad it is... your blog entry really opened my eyes more. I will be praying more for you too!! Love you girl, hang in there and let's ask God for what He can give you easily. Can't wait to see you SOON!!- Felicia