Monday, July 05, 2010

Being a grown-up

I don't find inspiration around me as often as I used to.

It used to come easy. Things flowed through me and they were easy to create. The last few years they have really slowed down or stopped completely.

I suppose I am ok with it. I don't need that to be happy anymore. I am focusing on other things now.

But I do miss it. It used to be satisfying and entertaining. It was interesting. It was creative.

It was like drinking a hot cup of tea on a very cold day.

There was something different about me. Sometimes it was called 'weird'. I was ok with it.

Now I look back at things that used to come easy and wonder where I found it inside and why I have lost that place.

Now I am a grown up. I do marketing. I think about primary target markets. I think about tailoring messages. I find satisfaction in growing numbers and making my bosses happy. I think about clever ways of presenting messages. I do really good dashboards of numbers that reflect success that I have created.

Now I come home and I am too tired to be creative. I sit in front of the tv with a brand new computer or another gadget and watch a show I enjoy. I know the formula according to which the show is created, it is very predictable but I am ok with it. I am tired.

On weekends I am happy to stay home and sleep for three to four hours during the day. I feel tired. I don't want to clean. I don't want to go. I want to be home, in bed. Reading, watching, sleeping, drinking coffee. Those things make me happy now.

I feel like I have put 100% energy into my work and I have reaped the benefits of it. I feel successful at work. I find satisfaction in my work. I love my job. I am very thankful for my job. I love the people I work with. I am blessed.

But I need time off. In that time off I want to read, watch tv, sleep, drink coffee. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I feel depleted. I have ran out of that energy and gusto which I was going on for the last two years.

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