Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Deep waters and fire

When I walk through the valleys, one of the things that helps me get through is remembering how I have gotten out of them in the past. I can remember a few really low points in my life, where I have not just prayed but cried out to God from a place that’s the bottom of my emotions and strength.

I can honestly say that I have never been left in that pit, I have always received answers to prayers that are far beyond what I could have hoped for. Sometimes sooner and sometimes later, there have been times when they are not exactly in the form that I expected them but there has always been an answer.

The last time I was in this place, I wrote this.

I remember how I felt and how low that point was. I could not talk about it after a while because I got all teary because I felt like such a looser. It took me such a long time to get the job. In the end, and I have written this many times in this blog, it was the best job I could have hoped or wished for. All the waiting, somehow, was orchestrated for me to find it, for them to find me and to work with amazing colleagues at the job that was made for me. That is just one of very many stories like that in my life.

What I do remember from those months a couple of years ago is that all along I felt like I was in a battle of self-worth and confidence. I was attacked on so many sides about who I am and what I am capable of doing.

I am in a battle again, attacked on all sides. I get enough hope to hang in there and not to fall apart but bad news hit me like darts and when the bad news don’t hit, my fears do the job just fine. It’s another faith test.

I turn to God and ask him what is going on and all I hear back is a steady “trust me”. I cry and question and doubt and fear and try to hold myself together but all along there is a quiet but steady “trust me”.

In these moments, I am stripped of bravery. I am stripped to the very basic things that makes us all humans. The pride, the calculation, the cockiness, it’s all gone. I am humbled and broken and my only hope to get through it is to hold on to God for dear life and pray that He walks me through this and in the end, like in every other situation in my life, I will come out as a winner.

I have lived long enough to recognise these patterns in life. We go through really low points and then we go through really high points. No matter where we’re at, it’s important to remember that it won’t last forever.
Today I will gear up and continue the battle.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.(Is43:2)

1 comment:

melissa said...

I will be praying for you, love.