Tuesday, December 06, 2011

I found goodness of the LORD in the land of the living

Even though I wasn't able to write about it until much later, last year around this time was one of the hardest times I've lived through. At that time I wasn't even able to say that I've lost a baby, so I kept saying "I've lost pregnancy", it was a little less painful that way. 

Now, a year later, all those sorrows have been turned into happiness - we are so close to the little one arriving! 

There is a verse in the Bible, in Joel 2:25, where God says to his people "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten". I feel like the answers I have been looking for as to why it happened, to some extent have been given to me. They are very personal and I won't go into details here but I have found peace about it all.

THEN - lament
In the Old Testament often times when a tragedy happened, men would tear their robe and put ashes on their heads (Like in Job 1:20 "At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship".

That's how I felt inside then. I didn't see how to crawl out of that misery and sorrow and emptiness and loss for months. I don't think people around me saw what I went through and every time someone said "You are taking it extremely well", I wanted to scream. 

Grief comes in ripples. The fullness of pain inside just swells up and breaks out when a little trigger happens. You mourn and lament, you pick yourself up, you dust it off, you keep going for a while and then it hits you again. With time those ripples are less intense and are further apart but they still come and they still affect the heart. 

I was finally able to let it all break out of me one Sunday at church when the girl on the stage was singing and asked everyone "Aren't you happy?!", everyone around was cheery and clapping and I was crying the biggest tears in my life. There was a time to pray and they usually ask people to raise their hands if they need prayer in their life and I wasn't able to do even that, I was a little heap of sorrow on the chair, crying not from my heart but from the depths of my soul. But something happened - I was finally able to cry out of pain and frustration and feeling of betrayal.

After this, a pastor read a verse that I've given to girls who've gone through similar things from Psalm 27:13 "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

That gave me a little bit of peace because it was the exact same verse that I'd given so many times to girls who had gone through the same thing. I was surprised to hear it then, it didn't feel like a coincidence. I went home still feeling low but with a bit more peace inside. 

I took a pregnancy test that week. There were two pink lines. 

NOW - celebration
10 days left until they say this baby will join this world. I can feel a little foot move from the inside. I can feel life inside me and for me, who is one of the least "mommy-like" person, it is such a satisfying and fulfilling feeling. 

I am seeing the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. He has answered my prayers. He has healed my heart. He has given me the joy back. 

1 comment:

Sarah said...

you are so wise