Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I have two homes

Tomorrow I am off to the motherland. If i am not beaten down with the jetleg and have inspiration, I will keep up here, if not -- I will see you in 3 weeks.

While I was packing bags yesterday, I asked myself how I feel about going home. I think I am nervous. I love my family but there have been a lot of hard punches in the past and every time I go home, I have to prepare myself for the unexpected jab-jab-hook-hook that might come from places least expected. Those hits tear up old wounds and press buttons in me that I have forgotten exist. I am also nervous because if things go really good there, I find myself torn in my decision to live here. In the past, fears that this might be the last time I see my grandparent have come true, so I feel a constant pressure to sqeeze the last drop out of every moment. I love to live my life that way but the jetleg usually is harder on me then I would like and instead of sqeezing last drops I am barely keeping my eyes open and my head from bobbing.

With all that, there is something very sentimental in me that floats up whenever I board the plane with a little flag painted on the side. I choke up every time I can speak my native language for the first time with the flight attendant and read a newspaper in my tongue. I think it will be hard no matter where I spend the rest of my life -- I will always miss the other country.


Andy said...

I think it's hard living in two different places. I think even if I were to live two places in the States I would probably always miss one of them. Even living here in the UK where everyone speaks English I'm torn. I feel more at home here socially and culturally, but because my home-with-family is 4,000 miles away, where is my home? Or, more precisely, when university is over, where will I make my home?

melissa said...

i'm so glad you're getting to go home for a while :) have a fabulous time, and i definitely want to hear stories when you get back.

even though i'm still in my native country, i often feel like i have multiple homes. so sometimes it's hard to choose where i really want to be.