I have learned to never ever say “never”.
Not in that cliché kind of way but in the most humbling way – the kind where you hear something and think “it doesn’t matter if the world fell apart but I would never do THAT” and time goes by, I screw up somewhere along the way and those words echo in my head.
It’s a low feeling. Very low, I am sure you've exeperienced something similar in the past. It’s kind of like betraying yourself. When I find myself in those situations, I realize that I have not only screwed up but also let myself down. It’s forgiving yourself and realizing that I, the person who said I would never do it, have done it. How could I? Suddenly I am on the other side of the fence, thinking “I look at people like me and think [insert whatever I think here]”.
And then comes the part where I feel like ... really bad. For a while. Wallow in my self pity. Go for long runs to figure in my head what went wrong and how could I do this.
Then it's time to stand up, shake it off and move on. It’s hard to be honest with myself at times. But it’s easy to be honest with myself when I talk to God. There is that knowledge in the back of my head that I can’t pretend even for myself because He knows my heart. He knows who I am in the depths of me. It is so liberating because I can't hide anything and I know I am accepted just that way - with all the stuff that comes along.
I have realized that I am a pretty good liar to myself. And I am even better at putting things off with a “I will think about that tomorrow” attitude. When I confront the issue. When I truly ask for forgiveness and KNOW that I’ve been forgiven, a feeling of lightness comes over. I swear.
That lightness is the GRACE of God. It takes over, it covers everything, it forgives and loves like it’s never been done. It gives a new beginning, it carries the burden, it shines so bright, it feels so right and so true. The language does not give justice to trying explain it.
I am so fascinated by the GRACE of God – the power of it. Bigger then anything I know. Maybe love? I don’t think that there is love without grace, so they are part of each other.
It’s too bad that God is judged by the rules and regulations that people set because the God that I know has no boundaries. That love and grace that He has for us pierces through anything we could ever do, not do, believe, not believe – it is so big that my mind cannot fit it in. It’s like that time when the teacher at school was trying to explain eternity – when you think of how big it is, you realize how small you think.
That has nothing to do with the church, rules, religion and that is why I believe.