I am so tired of people trying to fit me and my life in their little box and when they can't do it, they just tell me it's crazy. That little word that pulls a big heavy truckload of attitude. At first I was understanding but it's starting to make me angry. No, it annoys me. That, to me, is the definition of small-mindedness.
The sad thing is that I know exactly where they are coming from because before I was in my own shoes, I would have probably done exactly the same thing -wish a good luck with a little giggle at the end. I am sick of being told that I am living life on the edge. Giggle. Or ask me how is my whirlwind romance coming or "So. is he coming this weekend again?" giggle. Or "Oh, I wanted to tell your gossip to my roomate but he beat me to it".
It is not out of a concern, it is purely for the purpose of gossip, for the value of "have you heard this?" I think I was very humble about it up to this point and always gave the benefit of the doubt to people, with the thought of "I can see why they are concerned". Now, I am done feeling like I have to explain and end up feeling like I am defending my relationship.
This is for keeps. And this is as serious as they come. We have more depth and knowledge about each other then a lot of relatioships I know, because for months our only way of communication has been talking. And no, it is not easier that way or it is not easy to hide who you really are - you put your cards out there and I can say with confidence that we know what we are getting into. I don't need any more smartass comments unless it is something of true concern someone wants to ask me or tell me. This relatioship is not a whirlwind romance and I am proud that my finacee is willing to fly across the ocean for a weekend just to make me feel special, even if it costs a lot of money and time and is absolutely not practical. If more men did that for women, then we would feel much more valued.
Neil and I are not dumb and know that there will be adjustments and hard times ahead. And I am praying right now, that with God's help we will get through them. I don't think that dating someone for years makes the marriage better. I don't think that marrying in that "honeymoon" period will make our marriage worse. I am so looking forward to having those butterflies in my stomack when I look at my husband. I can't wait to make love to my husband for the first time. I am not getting married because I feel desperate but because I love this man. Not just because I feel loved and valued and taken care of but because I AM loved and valued and taken care of because he is not afraid to tell me that again and again and I am thankful for that. I am not ashamed and I want him to keep telling me that until the end.
Don't try to fit me in your box. I have never fit in there, I have no intentions to fit in there and that's how I like it. I do things fearlessly and put it all out there. Or I would not be here, writing this right now. I would be in Riga, doing some job, wondering "what if". I go after my "what if's" and that's my favorite part about myself.
No, none of the people who I actually want to tell this read this. But I had to write this all down.