Thursday, March 09, 2006

I am so tired of people trying to fit me and my life in their little box and when they can't do it, they just tell me it's crazy. That little word that pulls a big heavy truckload of attitude. At first I was understanding but it's starting to make me angry. No, it annoys me. That, to me, is the definition of small-mindedness.

The sad thing is that I know exactly where they are coming from because before I was in my own shoes, I would have probably done exactly the same thing -wish a good luck with a little giggle at the end. I am sick of being told that I am living life on the edge. Giggle. Or ask me how is my whirlwind romance coming or "So. is he coming this weekend again?" giggle. Or "Oh, I wanted to tell your gossip to my roomate but he beat me to it".

It is not out of a concern, it is purely for the purpose of gossip, for the value of "have you heard this?" I think I was very humble about it up to this point and always gave the benefit of the doubt to people, with the thought of "I can see why they are concerned". Now, I am done feeling like I have to explain and end up feeling like I am defending my relationship.

This is for keeps. And this is as serious as they come. We have more depth and knowledge about each other then a lot of relatioships I know, because for months our only way of communication has been talking. And no, it is not easier that way or it is not easy to hide who you really are - you put your cards out there and I can say with confidence that we know what we are getting into. I don't need any more smartass comments unless it is something of true concern someone wants to ask me or tell me. This relatioship is not a whirlwind romance and I am proud that my finacee is willing to fly across the ocean for a weekend just to make me feel special, even if it costs a lot of money and time and is absolutely not practical. If more men did that for women, then we would feel much more valued.

Neil and I are not dumb and know that there will be adjustments and hard times ahead. And I am praying right now, that with God's help we will get through them. I don't think that dating someone for years makes the marriage better. I don't think that marrying in that "honeymoon" period will make our marriage worse. I am so looking forward to having those butterflies in my stomack when I look at my husband. I can't wait to make love to my husband for the first time. I am not getting married because I feel desperate but because I love this man. Not just because I feel loved and valued and taken care of but because I AM loved and valued and taken care of because he is not afraid to tell me that again and again and I am thankful for that. I am not ashamed and I want him to keep telling me that until the end.

Don't try to fit me in your box. I have never fit in there, I have no intentions to fit in there and that's how I like it. I do things fearlessly and put it all out there. Or I would not be here, writing this right now. I would be in Riga, doing some job, wondering "what if". I go after my "what if's" and that's my favorite part about myself.

No, none of the people who I actually want to tell this read this. But I had to write this all down.


karen said...

I was in long-distance relationship for about a year with a guy I got to know mostly at a distance, with long visits in between. It is possible to get to know someone extremely well and find a connection. I might venture to say you learn more because you're forced to just talk, not talk while doing other things, not get distracted. just talk. Yeah, it's a huge leap of faith, but all marriages are. Moving in with a guy down the street is no more guaranteed than moving in with a guy halfway around the world. It's what you know about each other, what your connection is, and how committed you are. I've definitely thought similar things about people, but I can honestly I haven't thought "What is she doing?!?!!?" about you. I think you're braver than I am, but you can't live your life thinking things are crazy and not going after what you want.

phew that was long. the short version: good for you and tell all those nosy people to go to hell. :)

Sundries Sublime said...

Good for you!!!! I think you're GREAT! Yeah, I admit, I do think you're crazy!! ;) but not for marrying Neil, just because you are wonderful, crazy, YOU!!!! You ARE BRAVE!! You DO go after your DREAMS!! You live in the MOMENT!! Very few people are that way!! I wish I was more like that!!! :)

rochelle said...

good. truth. :)

melissa said...

good for you! i'm glad you wrote this.

Felicia said...

From someone who got engaged after three months of dating and has the most amazing time in a rich and fulfilling marriage, I say "Listen to your heart and instinct, ignore the noise pollution that comes from the some people around you" Love you!!

The Dog Lady said...

Go you! Hell yeah! :-) Seriously - It has always sounded ot me that the two of you are in a wonderful relationship and I am excited for you that you have found this wonderful person. Like I said - this will be a wonderful "How We Met" story for your grandchildren to hear and write about in their school reports.