Wednesday, June 14, 2006

It's been one year

They say that the right person comes when you least expect it. I told everyone I wasn’t expecting, but deep down I was looking. Looking hard and looking everywhere. I was praying harder than ever before in my life.

There might be people who truly don’t want to find the other half or don’t care about finding them right now, but in my experience, they all have quickly changed their minds when that person came along. They were married before me. No matter what we say, we all want to love and to be loved. That’s how we are wired.

I was looking but deep down I had given up. I was getting used to the idea that it exists in movies, in real life it seemed to be translating into hook-ups, indifference, and convenience. I was kind of looking for the best of the worsts. There is still that hope of finding someone but right next to it is fear – what if it never happens to me? What if I never find that person? With every girlfriend who got married and I went to the wedding without a date, that feeling sunk in deeper.

When I finally did things the right way, they fell apart again. At this point I didn’t know where to turn. And that’s when everything turned around. Something changed, I wasn’t trying to impress. I wasn’t beating around the bush anymore. When I met someone I liked, I told them that I am not here to play games, I am looking for someone serious.

It was early in our relationship when I sent him the email that said pretty much that if I am not here to waste anyone’s time – I was looking for a husband. I was more than sure that there won’t be a reply. But there was. He said that he’s looking for the same thing I am.

Yeah right.

He must think I am hot.

But he is persistent, my future husband. And he was serious. I believe he lost his job at the time because he spent so much time emailing me at work. There was something different about him from the beginning – he had time for me. He called when he said he would. Work was never more important. He didn’t so much say what he thinks of me, he showed it. It was never “I will do this if you do that for me”, it was giving, it was king, it was peaceful, it was steady. It wasn’t rushing me, it was understanding, it was honest, even when it wasn’t convenient.

Now, I look at my life before and so wish I hadn’t given myself to all the people who didn’t appreciate, I so wish I had more pure self to give to him. I so wish my heart hadn’t been bent and twisted by all the ones who weren’t serious. I so wish I had more trust in God that the right person will come at the right time.

My life before a year ago seems a lifetime ago.

I have found him. Or maybe he found me. I don’t know who found who, but I know that there is a God who orchestrated somehow a Latvian who lives in the US, meeting a British man, who lives in London.

I never knew how good love is. What you see on tv is a sliver. It is worth the wait, it is worth every time not giving yourself away but patiently waiting. Love is calming, it is exciting, it is peaceful, it is a storm, it is a filling but it is never enough. I have found my home. Complete trust, it is solid. I have found this beautiful person who I think the world of and who I can trust my being and he loves me back. Not because of who I am, not because of what I do for him, just because I am. This love is not going to quit just because the shift is over. It’s here to stay.

If one year has been this good – I can’t wait for our life-time together!


Sundries Sublime said...

He was looking for the same thing.... a husband!!??!! Hee hee!!! Just kiddding. This is an awesome post!!! :-)

Anonymous said...

I am your rock and your pillow... always N

melissa said...

I love that you're so happy together :) The whole time I was reading this I had the biggest grin on my face. I guess your happiness is contageous :)

karen said...

this is absolutely lovely, and oh so true.