Tuesday, July 11, 2006

part II on the post below

i am not the "american dream" typa material. i love it and i have had some awesome 9 years in the states but i am itching to keep on going. the next thing i say will sound like i am trying to be very cool but i really mean this from the bottom of my heart - up to this point in my life, my place, the ticker inside of me is set off by uncertainty and adventure. i haven't loved it always because i've cleaned toilets and wiped poopy butts to make money, but it's what makes me tick. not the wiping of the butts but the freedom.

sometimes i worry about it because there will come a day when i will have to settle down and think about my children and husband and a pension plan and a savings account. for now i am just trying to get $12 instead of $10 out of the tv that has that green line on the right side. i enjoy nice couches but i could care less that i don't have them. i don't care that i don't have a house and i have been pouring money down the drain by paying rent the last ... whatever years. i would love a dog - a nice big great dane, but with the lifestyle i am hoping to have, there won't be one for a while.

what happens to people like me - who never find contentment in one place for too long? this has been chronically about 4 years in one place before i feel like there is the rest of the world waiting for me? at this point i would much rather be photographing people who live and survive on the street garbage in cambodia than a nice house and brand new toasters and microwaves for wedding gifts?

at the same time, i have to be really careful - am i being 100% honest with myself or is it the margaritas we had earlier and the fact that i know we can afford the wedding and other luxuries? am i really meaning it? sometimes, when i think about how transparent i am in front of god, i am forced to be honest with myself. i do love brand new, soft couches. i wouldn't be throwing them away if i got them.

i would just sell them. probably for about $20 more than i feel like i should charge for them.

maybe i am just really ready for the next adventure.

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