Thursday, December 13, 2007

But what about those who didn't make the cut?

If you remember a while ago I wrote about the girl who offered me to work with her at her design studio. Did I tell you how cool the place/people working there/job was? I mean, seriously - it was a dream come true. I didn't care that it was a 2 hour commute each way, I didn't care that I had to carry my 50 kg (do I need to say that I exhaggurate things sometime?) heavy laptop, really, I was so excited that I was walking about a meter above the ground with a permanent smile on my face.

Then came the projects. And while I was doing them, I kept feeling that I don't know enough, I am not fast enough. But somewhere deep down, I was hoping, hoping, hoping that everyone goes through that stage, that maybe it's normal. And the stuff I made was OK. It wasn't perfect, maybe it was a bit more on the "safe" side rather than "funky" that she might have been looking for, but I was thinking that possibly it's not a bad start for using programs I have never even opened before.

But then we had a conversation. One of "those" conversations, where nothing is said directly but everything is clear. I just am not to the level that she needs me to be. I have a good eye for design and I have the enthusiasm but I can't perform to the speed and level she would like me to. She was very kind to me, which I am very thankful for. And I don't have any bitter feelings, after all, she gave me the chance that I was looking for.

On the train home, while talking to Neil, I told him that I don't think it's going to work out. It was such a weird feeling. You can't blame me for feeling like a bit of a looser. I really had to fight not to fall into the "I am worthless" pity party. After wanting to do this for so long, realizing that I can't, was a bit of a shock. Maybe it will sound a bit arrogant but I always believed that I can do it, that the only thing needed is the opportunity. And here it came and ... kind of went by. And I was left wondering what is the next thing to hope and dream for. And do I even want this as much as I think I do?

What, did I just say that? Or did I say it because it didn't work out?

And then this peace came over. I realized that I am totally OK with this not working out. I don't want this to sound cliche but I truly, honestly, experienced that being in God's will brings more peace than even doing something that you really want to do. The thing that brings peace is knowing that this far it has not been a chance or coincidence that has brought us this far. A lot of times it has been waiting, and wondering and being taken by surprise by things we didn't expect but it has always worked out for the best. And I know that the same is going to apply here. I have a complete 100% trust that this didn't work out for a good reason and I have peace about it.

I don't know what's ahead. I am going to start looking for a new job in January. I would like it to be something that would allow me to have a bit of a creative outlet but I am open to a lot of things. The one thought that ran through my mind, that surprised me, while working on design at that studio was "I am spending hours making a stupid certificate look more hip, this is a bit pointless. There are people in need all around me". I don't know if this is a pointer to something but I am going have an open mind about the jobs that are going to come my way.


Vanessa said...

Ags - I love you and am so happy to read this post - I can see so much growth and change and a calmness in your life these days, a calm no matter what. I am just waiting to see what God does next! Miss you!

melissa said...

Ags, I love that you're resting in God so much with this :) I can really relate to that last thing you said about spending hours making a certificate look hip when there are greater needs all around. I often think similar thoughts about my own work.

Sundries Sublime said...

what about those who don't make the cut?

they make the cut later, but in the meantime, they grow a ton, learn a ton and are a HUGE inspiration to their friends!!!!!

love you!!!