Friday, February 03, 2006
Time for everything
The big, white bouquet with flowers on the living room table is starting to slowly wither. Tomorrow will be a week. A week since I said "yes" and shook my head "no" - no, as in, i can't believe this - on the video, when he proposed.
There is always been a part of me that "wanted" someone next to me. I have dated, many guys. Some treated me better, others not so good, some I treated better and others not so good, but I will leave it all in the past and chalk it up to growing up. There have been deep, painful heartbreaks, there have been giddy laughs after the first dates, there have been tears, waiting for the phone to ring, there have been waking up the next morning and regretting, there have been hopes that maybe this will finally be the one. There have been times when I gave up. I'd wanted him for so long.
When Nate and I broke up, there was a part of me that gave up. I remember Rochelles Boji bunkhouse a couple of days after we broke up, I told everyone I will go take a nap, but I went to cry. I needed some time to curl up and let out all that confusion and pain. There is crying and then there is that deep wailing, from the deep bottom of your heart cry, I think the word for it lamenting. I told God that this is not fair, that I have tried to do things on my own and they fell through but with Nate I had given it to God and they still fell through. That was the part that I was so confused about -- I trusted God and it still fell through.
It was probably the same week that Neil and I started talking. You know the rest.
Now, when I look back, I am so thankfull that none of those other relationships worked out. There were some great guys but I was not ready. There were some not so great guys and I was too naive and desperate. I have changed so much in the last 8 years. I love my mom in million pieces but I had inherited some bad examples in relationships. There are demons that I am still fighting that I learned while watching her as a little girl. I had no base to stand on as far as relationships go. More then that, I did not know what a good relatioship is.
Change is never easy. But through much of those heartaches I learned a lot of things. Through clinging to God, I learned things that will be a foundation for our marriage. Growth is an evolving thing. I will try to keep my eyes on God and let that growth take place.
There was a reason why those things didn't happen when I wanted them to happen. As much as I wanted it, I was not ready. You can't bake a cake before the oven is at the right temp. Also, when I look at him, I don't dare to take him for granted. I could not see the whole picture when past happened. I can see it now, looking back and I would not want it any other way. It is perfect this way. There is a time for everything. There is a good time for everything.